Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Understanding

Next time you are about to do something, just ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

This is a good question. Answer it.

Next question should be, "What would I do if I didn't have to do THIS particular thing?"

That might make a lot of things clear and give you a bit of understanding.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

About Hogg

You know what is reverse psychology? It's when I tell you that you can't do something, and then you try to prove me wrong by doing just that thing. Or something to that effect. I can never remember these things properly.

So, here's today's lesson in reverse psychology. Many people ask me which books to read when they're beginning to read fiction. So, I tell them about books depending on their tastes, attitudes or my mood at that particular time.


No one has ever asked me which book NOT to read. Tricky one, eh?

So, just in case someone asked me that question, I'd tell them to avoid reading Hogg.

That's pretty much it.

That's my bit of reverse psychology.

Monday, August 27, 2012

de-retarding twitter

Twitter has become a bullshit zone right now. On one level I realize that the stuff I read is my responsibility and if it bothers me I should do something about. So I unfollowed close to 80 people today. Mostly accounts that were not tweeting or brands that I am not interested in following anymore. Eg: Instagram. What's the point? I have no fucking idea.

Next to go will be serial whiners, I am done with people who bitch like bitches all day long.

After that people who copy paste tweets, because I am not interested in reading the same tweet twice. I am fine with retweeting but copying tweets and posting those as your own is just laziness and bullshit of the worst order. Again, no problem with copying, problem is with the intent behind it. [will post more about it later]

There is no real way to control the mentions tab. I can lock my account, but that's just bullshit. So, I'll be as boring as possible so that people don't mention me. haha.

fuck it.
fuck you too.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Expendables 2 in Hindi

Well, first off, I watch MOST of English movies dubbed in Hindi. The only reason is that the movie hall near my home shows only dubbed movies. And I am very cool with that.

Saw Expendables today. It was called एक से बढ़कर एक.

Great or what?

The good thing about a movie like Expendables is that you don't really need a story. Watching all these people kick ass and kill people and just generally be invincible is good enough. There are too many people and too much action and I think I missed some moments while I was eating nachos. Well, that happens.

The best part about the movie is Jason Statham. The guy should change his name to "ass kicking machine." There is one scene where he is dressed like a priest and he says, "I now pronounce you man and knife." and then shoves a knife in a dude's face and kills like 10-12 dudes with all kinds of cool moves.

Best part, in Hindi, they dubbed it as "अब भगवान् की मर्ज़ी से शुरू करता हू, मौत का तांडव!!"

हाउ फकिंग कूल!

There is another scene where some kind of asskicking is being delivered by Stallone via his plane and Jason Statham probably says "Fire in the hole" or something to that effect, BUT, in Hindi they dubbed it as "चक्क ते फटटे!"

Worth my money. I had fun. You should probably watch it in English.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Pool Full of Shit

This blogpost is an antithesis of itself. Because while it has a call to action, it is just talk, too. But fuck it, that hasn't stopped me from writing bullshit till now and I'll be damned if I let it stop me now.

The problem that we have tonight is that too many Indians want to change India.

How fine, how noble and how amazing.

But then the problem of this problem is that those people are only interested in talking about it. They want to write jokes on twitter, make shitty facebook posts, maybe even blog about it. But tomorrow they'll all go to their offices and work for 8-12 hours in their air conditioned jails.

I am no different from them, but I really don't want to change the country, or the government or anything. I don't care, basically. (I have my reasons).


YOU want to change India, you want to bring a revolution in this country, you want free internet, low priced beer and leagalized prostitution, and cake. Lot of cake. Cake is always good.

But what can you do? Here are some suggestions.


Study real hard.

Stay focused.

Learn all you can. Sit for the IAS exams. Clear them. Clear the interview.

Most of the posts in those interviews are already paid for, but there is always one at the top.

YOU just need that ONE post. 

Get on that post. Stay honest. Stay honest while getting drenched in corruption, dishonesty and dirt of this shitfuck country.

Most of all, be hopeful.

Wade through the murk of the country to be an example to  the youth. Be their hero. Then, only then, we might have a slim chance of changing things and bringing some hope here.

Here's a better way to think about the scenario for your putrid imagination.

Imagine if you will, a pool of shit. It stinks so bad that it kills the birds and worms that dare to come near it. It takes a really resiliant and exceptional bastard to go near that pool of shit.

That pool of shit grows bigger and stinkier and meaner every day. It's like that fucking thing is alive and that shit hates you!

But you have to be the swimmer, the god-like creature, to not only go near that pool of shit, but to step into it!! And after you step into that pool of shit, you have to DIVE INTO IT. And when you dive, you go deep into that shit where it's dark and stinky and shitty. You WILL lose your soul, but at the bottom of that pool of shit is a plug.

It's a plug that, once pulled, will flush the shit out of the pool. This will cost you your sanity. You can swim back up, or you can pull the plug and die in this pool of shit.

Are you ready and willing to die?

If not, then stop pasting bullshit on Twitter, shut the fuck up and suffer like the rest of us.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Fuckery, Pussy Riot and Teen Control Tricks

There is all sorts of fuckery happening all around. The government of India is banning accounts on Twitter. Whereas the government of Sweden allows its citizens to tweet from the country's official twitter account without any repercussions of the bullshit that the citizens tweet there.  Which is cool. I guess. But here, the government just doesn't get twitter or social media, the kids can be manipulated so easily, but they choose to ban the accounts. Instead of looking at each other as enemies the government should look at people as friends.

When the government treats people like friends, it's much easier to fuck those people over. Because you can fuck your friends easily than you can fuck over your enemies. Let's take a hypothetical example.

What if I was in place of President Putin while Pussy Riot did their shit in the church by playing protest songs or insulting me. I'd do many of these things or maybe all. I'd tell Pussy Riot to go on an all over Russia tour where they will get to perform in all churches and they will be fully allowed to say all the shit they want against me. This will fuck them up as a band and as friends. Because touring breaks people as units. And once units are broken it's much easier to destroy them. Eg: less bands stay together more bands break up. You can look it up.

Anyway, I'd also tell Pussy Riot girls to be a part of the government and allow them to make reforms in the country as they please, but if they make the people unhappy, I'd have their heads on spears and on the walls of my bedroom. Being the young and hotblooded girls that they are they'll take the challenge and become part of the government and try to change the country and then, spears and heads.

There is always a way to control people, you just have to know what makes them tick. To control Indian youth, I'd employ a host of tricks and techniques. (The government is free to borrow these tricks, no need to say thanks.) My Four Point Strategy.

  1. I'd make Internet free. Free as in a real free thing. Free Wi-Fi all over India. Like radio signals. This will keep the kids busy on facebook and shit.
  2. I'd also lower the price of alcohol all over India, like lower than Goa. Kids would get drunk, get fat, die out.
  3. I'd make prostitution legal in India. More they fuck, the less they'll think.
  4. I'd also make foreign travel easier for the citizens, because fuck em all, none of them want to stay in this country.

And this is how I will rule.

Monday, August 20, 2012

A Hostel Memory

I came back to room after attending classes and my room mate was lying in his bed, shaking violently.

I stopped where I was.

Called out his name but his eyes were closed and he didn't respond.

So, I did what any roommate would do.

I kicked him.

He stopped shaking. Got up and took out the earbuds from his skull and gave me a "wtf dude?" look.

Turns out the bastard was listening to my Cannibal Corpse cassette for the first time.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Why Don't You Go And Fuck Yourself?

Even though it will be biologically impossible but still, you have to give yourself credit for the thought and any ability to actively achieve the action of fucking yourself.

It is beneficial for you.

You'll be lonely no more. And there will be something to do on sunday evenings when the friends don't pick your call and you're so sad and alone that you feel like killing yourself.

Don't. Suicide is bad. No one has benefited from being dead. So, instead of slitting your wrists in a bucket of warm water, you can just go and fuck yourself.

Realize that it's a wicked and fucked up world and everyone has their share of pain and no one bothers to give a fuck about your pain. It's as simple as that.

You do your shitty job. You eat your shitty food. You grow fat and lazy and then one day you die after all this pain in life? Worth living. I don't know and I don't give a fuck.

Just fuck yourself and be done with it.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Sad Tale of Bittu

It's a sad story. There is death at the end. It began one sunny afternoon when I looked out of my bedroom window and saw Bittu outside. Just laying in the sun. Enjoying to the maximum.

But I didn't like Bittu at all.

Infact, I was scared and disgusted.

How could something so small and insignificant make me feel so strange. I thought fuck it.

I closed the door to the area outside the bedroom and vowed never to go there again till I saw Bittu vanished from there.

But that didn't happen. I kept seeing Bittu every now and then when I looked out of the window. I thought of ways in which I could help Bittu in getting the fuck out of that place, but it seemed nothing would work.

I left things as they were and continued my life without thinking about the space outside the bedroom. But, today I opened that door after many months and there was Bittu. All shriveled and dried up in the sun and definitely dead.

I still hate lizards and I will always do.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Throwing the Baby With the Bathwater

Image Unrelated

This is exactly what you should no do while writing a blog post. The headline has nothing to do with the content of this post but I wrote it because it's my blog and because I find it amusing. I have weird sense of humor. That's why I could never become a standup comedian. Also, because I never tried.


Today, we're going to talk about MISERY ADDICTION.

There are sad times in life. You can't control that. If you're a living, breathing human being, shit is going to happen to you. Now you can act or react or whatever the bullshit reaction you have to that shit. BUT, now the interesting thing which happens that you continue to cry over that shit long after it's over. For example, people who get their hearts broken, even when they're in a new relationship, many people continue to blame life n all that jazz over the one that got away.

This is called misery addiction.

The trap of what could've been.

The feeling that you've missed something better. That what you have in your life right now is somehow less and then you've to mop about what was.

And then...and then you see that when you bitch, cry and moan, people are sympathetic.

They are somehow, someway, giving attention to you. You feel empathy. And before you realize it, you're in this trap of misery. YOU ARE ADDICTED TO BEING MISERABLE BECAUSE OHHH FUCCCCCKKK THAT YUMMMY ATTENTION!!

Stop that.

No one cares. They're all laughing at you behind your back. You might think that people are giving attention and being sympathetic, but these are the same people who take a U-turn to look closer when they pass by an accident on the road.

These people are not your friends.

Get out the trap of misery.

Live life like your ass is on fire.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I was going to write about relationships but...

...but then a very good friend sent me this. The female in this image is a prime specimen of perfection that any god can create. Look at the wind ruffling those perfect hair, look at that dimple in her cheek, look at those beautiful eyes. I think I know why I like her so much, it's because she is simplicity personified and also she works harder than you or me. Or you AND me combined. If nothing else, you've got to respect hard work. And you've got to have a vision. If you look at her as a businesswoman, she has had vision.

She has played it safe in her field so far and she has varied her roles without being a flash in a pan. Some heroines get typecasted into a certain role, but some of them play safe till they're strong enough to make risky moves. I am slightly hinting at Vidya Balan, she has carved her own niche that is too niche for her to be extremely popular. People like Balan for eccentric choice of roles, but people love Deepika, because she is building a base right now. Risky, weird roles will come. But that's for later. That's when she'll know that she can take liberties with her audience as well her choice of roles.

So, how can you apply the same thought to relationships? It's like this, you've got to "build" relationships. There is a lot that goes into building relationships. First you've got to know your materials, then you've got to know how to handle those materials, then you've to actually work those materials into something tangible and amazing.

Whether you're looking at romantic relationships or business relations, as long as these involve people, the relationships can be manipulated into any way possible. If you treat them right and do all the right things, when the time comes to do risky, maybe slightly wrong things, you can escape with less damage.

Those are all thoughts for now.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Awkward Story

This is a real life story.

I had some friends over from another state and they like, totally spoke another language. I  had no idea what those 3 were talking among themselves, and I was tasked with treating them for lunch. So,  being a good host, i took them for lunch. I knew they were in the city to meet on of their  friends, but I had no knowledge about the said friend. Do you see where this is going? It gets weirder.

So we order, we're eating, and we're almost done eating when a couple walks in the place where we were eating. A cute girl and another guy. In my company, one of the guys looks the couple who just walked in, stares for maybe two seconds more than normal and resumes eating. He tells me after a few seconds that he wants to leave from that place.

But I was in total good host mode. I told him to sit the fuck down and eat some more because I didn't want to be called a bad host by elders who might think that I sent their kids half hungry and thirsty. So i ordered drinks for the 3, who kept talking in their language, which I had no problem with, because whatever they were discussing was their problem.

There was some electricity in their talk but being the gracious host, I ignored that electricity. After those buggers asked me two-three times more to leave, I allowed them and we all left. One of the guys looked slightly shaken but I thought it was the food. So I ignored it. Left them at the bus stand so they could take a bus back to their place.

Now, the story behind the scenes that I got to know some time later. One of the guys was in town to meet his girlfriend and after meeting her, they all met me for lunch. And while we were eating, the couple who walked in was his girlfriend with some other guy.

The girl dumped the guy who was eating with me by the evening of that day because she was simply caught cheating.

Shit happens, eh.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Hate Bitchboys.

I saw some bitchboy bitching and moaning over how some chick "broke his heart" and now he was "all alone and feeling like shit." 

That dude was actually shedding tears. Or so I heard.

I couldn't believe that shit was true. 

Any dude who cries over a chick needs to have his dude card taken away and should be given a lifetime supply of ONLY pink t-shirts and a membership of a threading saloon or some shit. Because, fuck that crying shit. Real men don't cry. The only permissible time for a man to cry is when he is dropping from his mom's vag as a baby. 

Or when a man sees a bottle of beer dropped and broken.

Or when a man sees a beautiful car crashed and smashed.

Or when a man sees a babe with heavenly ass that only God could have crafted.

Other  than these few and similar enchanting or disheartening occasions, no time is right for a man to cry. 

So, to the broken-hearted men, shut the fuck up, stop crying like a bitch, man up.

Go out there, get drunk, get laid or set something on fire but for fuck's sake leave the crying for the girls. 

Because girls looks sexy when they're crying and we all like sexy girls.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I Am Going To Win All The Golds Next Olympics.

I am going to participate in the next Olympics in sports such as: badminton, archery, boxing, wrestling and any other sport that catches my fancy. Basically, I will be India's super hope in the medals tally and I will get ALLLLL the golds that are there to get in the sports mentioned above. I will also make sure that I terrorize all other Indian sportsmen into performing more and beyond their capacities so that they also win gold. 

Because fuck it, I am done with seeing Indian athletes winning silvers and bronzes. This is high time we won some golds and it's up to assholes like me to do it. 

Win it for my country. Win all the golds so that all other countries can kiss my gold plated brown ass.

For the babes, bitches and brothers who won't work hard enough to win golds, I'll have to do it.

But Pallav, you say, who the fuck is going to allow you to take part in all those sports?

To which, I will reply, dear reader, who the fuck is going to stop me?

My plan is like this, I am going to...

No, wait. I am not telling you my plan. It's a fucking secret plan. For complete domination of the Olympics tally and have only India's name and by proxy MY NAME in the medal tally.

All golds. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Next Olympics, 2016. 

I'll be there.

If my mood allows.

But first, I have to post this blog.