anguish and stupidity

Just another two rupees where there are loads of opinions and anger and stupidity being thrown around.

What happened in Delhi, scares everyone. And when people fear something, the first response is hate. With hate comes anger and anger makes people stupid.

I've closed the twitter tab tonight, just like last night because there is lot of stupid shit being thrown around. More than usual. It's understandable. 

You want to punish the animals, you've to become an animal yourself. Or at least think like one. Sure, those animals will get what they deserve, what about you?

People often talk a lot of about taking action. People talk about setting an example. People talk about setting an example through fear.

People talk a lot.

But it's always too cold to go to gym in the morning and the cola is must tastier and instant than the milk or the water. 

You probably won't get what I am driving at, I am being obtuse for one reason. Maybe, just maybe, you'll use your mind for looking behind the scenes and thinking on your own instead of joining in with the masses.

Don't go with the flow man, that's the place for dead fish.

the fight in the neighborhood

Right, so where i live it's a lot of flats. And in lot of flats there are lot of women. There are two things that Indian housewives are very good at, fighting and talking about tv serials. They talk about TV serials like those are real people with real life problems to deal with. It's confusing at times.

Anyway, today when I came back from office there was some fight going on between the two parties in the nearby flats. So, being the rockstar that I am, I parked my bike, went in my flat and put on some loud dubstep to drown the sounds of fighting outside. Though, I did hear some LOUD bhenchods and maderchods being exchanged between the two women.

For the ease of storytelling ahead, Aunty A and Aunty B.

So, it turns out that Aunty A has flower pots all over the stairs to her flats. Now in the summer season the flowerpots attracted mosquitoes and those made the children of Aunty B sick. Aunty B asked her many times to remove the flower pots but she didn't. Well, she loves the flowerpots n stuff, who can blame her. Stairs are common ground, too. (Stairs are not ground, but whatever the fuck)

Turns out while these two parties were fighting, Aunty B's husband called Aunty A a "gashti"(prostitute) and tore her blouse. Another version of the story from Aunty B is that Aunty A tore her own blouse and said, "ab tujhe aur tere khasam ko jalwe dikhati hu" (now i'll show fireworks to you and your husband).

I got to know all this later when the society's handyman came to my flat to call me out cuz there was police in the society. 

How interesting. I missed some of the fun cuz I was out for dinner and stuff.

What happened in the meanwhile was that Aunty A went to the police station with her torn blouse and filed an FIR that Aunty B's husband tried to molest her. THAT's why the police was here, to pick the husband up. Whew! 

But then the people from the society gathered around the police, some local politician kind of guy got called and the police didn't take the guy with them. Things got hush-hushed. The politico shook everyone's hand and then I told everyone about all this on twitter.

Now, no one really knows what happened there at the fight. It's all different versions of the actual thing. There might be a society meeting tomorrow, so will update this post according to that.

Lesson from this? Don't trust people. People are fucked up and always have people out to support you, there is power in numbers. Keep your reputation clean and shake everyone's hand, even if you don't know the person. 

K, bye.

Twitter Is Interesting

I like twitter a lot. That website has caused a lot of blogposts to die in my head and i am sure many of you would also emphasize with me on that note. 

There was a time when i used to think up long blog posts that had no basis in research and were just my biased and uninformed opinions on everything and anything under the sun. But now I have twitter to do the same. And the dangerous thing is that, so do many many others. Every tingu pingu has a twitter account and all they do is talk to celebs.

Speaking of celebs, Ekta Kapoor did some stupid shit by shoving one of our uncles (more on this later) in a bank and then showing him the middle finger and telling him to fuck off. How sad, how bad. 

See, no matter how rude I get I always try to be respectful to the people who are elder to me. I might not agree with them and I might think that they're stupid and they deserve to die, but I can always fake the fact that I respect them a lot. Ekta Kapoor does not. Tch. bad for her. But not even bad, she is getting free publicity on twitter. She is trending right now. Yay!

Anyway, tell your mom, dad, sister, brother, grandmother and anyone in your home that they should not watch any serials produced by Ekta kapoor or any serials at all. Right, watch Cartoon Network instead, or better, burn your tv and talk to your family. Spend some quality family time together. 

Talking of family, twitter is like a dysfunctional family. And some random twitter user's dad is like our uncle too. I mean, if i met the old man I'd call him Uncle. So, he is uncle of all the twitter. And we must avenge the disrespect done to him.

Yeah.

Pink Floyd

I am not a very big fan of Pink Floyd. Most of the people spend their college listening to Pink Floyd and smoking weed and drinking cheap beer, because mostly all the people are doing that. People in my college were doing that too, but at that time I was listening to Megadeth and GWAR and Slipknot and god knows what else. 

Still, Dark Side of The Moon has some special memories associated with it. I got the album as a cassette on loan from some dude, who had got it on loan from some other dude. Things were like that in the small town where I lived. When I first heard the album, i didn't really appreciate the music. It just felt and sounded like shit to me. But as I didn't have too many cassettes to listen to, I gave it some more listens and it grew on me. It grew on me like anything. I picked up The Wall a year after that and that was a 2 cassette set which got a fuck lot of rotation in my tape deck. 

Those were nice days. Now we've music in our phones and MP3 players and what not. Everywhere I see, people are plugged into their little devices. How ancient will this be in 5 years? Very ancient. But people will still be listening to good music. 

I hope.

mini-rant about twitter

What the problem with unfollowing someone? People take so much offence. They should not. It's just an unfollow. Maybe you're nice as a person, but I don't like your twitter behavior. Maybe I am having a bad day and your happy tweets are pissing me off.

Should I be pissed off because of something that you're doing? Would you do the same? NO.

So, unfollows are nice. They're okay. They help us in remaining sane in the weird world of twitter.

Too much junk, man.

Dredd.

Saw Dredd today. It was in 3D. I was pretty excited about this movie because of the slow-motion effects, the 3D and because well, Judge Dredd is the kind of personality that no one fucks with. The premise of a futuristic world is always exciting and the ultraviolent aspects of the movie sure to punch up the kicks.

Anyway, all i am saying here is that this is a movie for the select few who like to watch mindless fun and violence and who have a thing for violence. I like the dubstepy soundtrack of the movie because it is done by the same dude who did the soundtrack for the movie Limitless. Which was also one kickass movie.

Dredd basically kills a lot of people in the movie and he never ever smiles. The one liners are okay. Nothing too awesome. The Slow-Mo drug sequences are something to watch out for and the 3D scenes are fucking awesome.

That's pretty much it. Watch it or don't, I don't give a fuck.

Next movie up: Resident Evil part something. Six? I don't even care. I just want to see the heroes kick some zombie ass.

Baggage in a Relationship (Part 1)

alrright, i am going to type this in rapid mode and not give a fuck about grammar or something because it's already 1 AM and I have to go to office in morning. Oh look, it was 1.03 and now it's 1.23. Time passes quick when you're online on twitter.

Anyway, about relationships.

It's a tricky business. You've to invest a lot in a stranger, but not only that stranger, there are other people who tag along for the ride. It's like taking a journey on a two wheeler with a person you like, but on the way to wherever you're going, this other person decides that they want to take on more persons, but you're stuck with a two wheeler not a four wheeler and when you get a fourwheeler you meet your own people who want to come along for the ride.

That said, if relationships were just about two people, life would be all peachy. But there are others like friends, family, strangers, and almost rest of the world and whoever the fuck, who'd stick a leg in as and when they feel like. Some of these you can't prepare for but others can absolutely be prepared for.

You can prepare for family and friends.

It requires a lot of saying NO.

I know this. No is easy to say, Yes is harder to do.

Good, long lasting relationships are based on a lot of saying NO.

It's okay.

Part two, whenever I feel like it.

The cartoon and the cartoonist

Well, most of you are going to disagree with what I am going to write in this post, but let me tell you this, there is not a single thing you can do about it. With that said, let's carry on to the topic of this post.

A cartoonist recently drew a cartoon of the national emblem with heads of wolves instead of lions.

I, as an Indian, have a fucking problem with that.

Well, Pallav, you say, it's a free country and there is freedom of artistic expression and all that shit.

To which I will reply, fuck you and fuck the horse you rode on. If some random cartoonist dude has FREEDOM to hate on the national anthem, then I have the FREEDOM to hate on him for doing that too. It's a FREE country after all, isn't it?

That cartoonist deserves the punishment he is getting. There is no point in giving sense of humor defense for it. It was not meant to raise awareness or some shit like that. We all know that corruption exists. It's a part of the system, drawing a cartoon won't cure that. I don't know what will cure that, but this was a cheap, stupid and extremely tasteless way to express anguish against something that we all know is there. Besides, he probably drew it on illegally downloaded photoshop software. It was so sad, I think he didn't even use photoshop. Ugh

I am all for throwing that guy in a shark tank for what he did. A shark tank with two sharks who are already hungry and maddened by scent of blood. I'll have that shit televised live on tv so that no one dares in future to mess with the national symbols. Now we'll go in bullet points on why I have a problem with what that fellow did.

• It was a shitty drawing. At least brush up the lines for fuck's sake. Art is art, but squiggly lines are shit.
• The people of army have died defending such symbols of freedom and they will continue to die for these very symbols while idiots are given free reign to deface and insult what is sacred to many.
• There is an unspoken rule, that you don't shit where you eat. This fucker probably went all diarrhea on where he was eating.
• According to recent news, he has refused to ask for bail. He deserves the jail sentence and he deserves more.
• It was just in very bad taste. 

About the iPhones

The top iPhone 4s costs some 57,500 Indian rupees. Available via Airtel.

The same iPhone 4s costs $199 in USA, but it comes with a mobile plans(s).

The cost might probably end up as the same in the long run, but there is a flaw in the reasoning. The users in US are getting the iPhone at a discounted price, but the users in India are buying it a pure price without any "mobile plan". In effect the Indian users are getting screwed wholesale by the providers, but still Apple won't give enough attention to Indian users, there are no dedicated Apple stores here, just franchises (I might be wrong, but it's too late to research).

The point is that iPhone in India is not provided WITH a mobile plan by all users. If the users in USA had to buy an iPhone at the pure price of $800+ I doubt that this gadget would get that level of popularity all over. Heck, you can get a 3GS for virtually free with a 2 year plan on AT&T.

If such option was available in India, every second fuddu would be carrying a 3GS.

Just some thoughts. Surely, these have been thought before. I just wanted to put them here.

I was just listening to yo yo honey singh

I don't diss music of any genre so I listen to almost anything once. Why yo yo honey singh, cuz deepika danced at that song and it was pretty fucking sexy. All those bouncing around in discotheque. Damn, girl. Those curves are sizzling.

Honey Singh manages good lyrics though. The bugger is creative, you've got to give him that. Whatever else he maybe, I don't really care and neither should you. Why? Because at the end of the day how does your knowing or not knowing about honey Singh affect his or your life.

It's all relative. Everything can be argued and disapproved. So be it.

This is being post from a phone, so all grammar errors and typos are mine :-D

The Understanding

Next time you are about to do something, just ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?"

This is a good question. Answer it.

Next question should be, "What would I do if I didn't have to do THIS particular thing?"

That might make a lot of things clear and give you a bit of understanding.

Goodnight.

About Hogg

You know what is reverse psychology? It's when I tell you that you can't do something, and then you try to prove me wrong by doing just that thing. Or something to that effect. I can never remember these things properly.

So, here's today's lesson in reverse psychology. Many people ask me which books to read when they're beginning to read fiction. So, I tell them about books depending on their tastes, attitudes or my mood at that particular time.

BUT

No one has ever asked me which book NOT to read. Tricky one, eh?

So, just in case someone asked me that question, I'd tell them to avoid reading Hogg.

That's pretty much it.

That's my bit of reverse psychology.

de-retarding twitter

Twitter has become a bullshit zone right now. On one level I realize that the stuff I read is my responsibility and if it bothers me I should do something about. So I unfollowed close to 80 people today. Mostly accounts that were not tweeting or brands that I am not interested in following anymore. Eg: Instagram. What's the point? I have no fucking idea.

Next to go will be serial whiners, I am done with people who bitch like bitches all day long.

After that people who copy paste tweets, because I am not interested in reading the same tweet twice. I am fine with retweeting but copying tweets and posting those as your own is just laziness and bullshit of the worst order. Again, no problem with copying, problem is with the intent behind it. [will post more about it later]

There is no real way to control the mentions tab. I can lock my account, but that's just bullshit. So, I'll be as boring as possible so that people don't mention me. haha.

fuck it.
fuck you too.

Expendables 2 in Hindi

Well, first off, I watch MOST of English movies dubbed in Hindi. The only reason is that the movie hall near my home shows only dubbed movies. And I am very cool with that.

Saw Expendables today. It was called एक से बढ़कर एक.

Great or what?

The good thing about a movie like Expendables is that you don't really need a story. Watching all these people kick ass and kill people and just generally be invincible is good enough. There are too many people and too much action and I think I missed some moments while I was eating nachos. Well, that happens.

The best part about the movie is Jason Statham. The guy should change his name to "ass kicking machine." There is one scene where he is dressed like a priest and he says, "I now pronounce you man and knife." and then shoves a knife in a dude's face and kills like 10-12 dudes with all kinds of cool moves.

Best part, in Hindi, they dubbed it as "अब भगवान् की मर्ज़ी से शुरू करता हू, मौत का तांडव!!"

हाउ फकिंग कूल!

There is another scene where some kind of asskicking is being delivered by Stallone via his plane and Jason Statham probably says "Fire in the hole" or something to that effect, BUT, in Hindi they dubbed it as "चक्क ते फटटे!"

Worth my money. I had fun. You should probably watch it in English.

The Pool Full of Shit

This blogpost is an antithesis of itself. Because while it has a call to action, it is just talk, too. But fuck it, that hasn't stopped me from writing bullshit till now and I'll be damned if I let it stop me now.

The problem that we have tonight is that too many Indians want to change India.

How fine, how noble and how amazing.

But then the problem of this problem is that those people are only interested in talking about it. They want to write jokes on twitter, make shitty facebook posts, maybe even blog about it. But tomorrow they'll all go to their offices and work for 8-12 hours in their air conditioned jails.

I am no different from them, but I really don't want to change the country, or the government or anything. I don't care, basically. (I have my reasons).

But, YOU CARE!

YOU want to change India, you want to bring a revolution in this country, you want free internet, low priced beer and leagalized prostitution, and cake. Lot of cake. Cake is always good.

But what can you do? Here are some suggestions.

Study.

Study real hard.

Stay focused.

Learn all you can. Sit for the IAS exams. Clear them. Clear the interview.

Most of the posts in those interviews are already paid for, but there is always one at the top.

YOU just need that ONE post. 

Get on that post. Stay honest. Stay honest while getting drenched in corruption, dishonesty and dirt of this shitfuck country.

Most of all, be hopeful.

Wade through the murk of the country to be an example to  the youth. Be their hero. Then, only then, we might have a slim chance of changing things and bringing some hope here.

Here's a better way to think about the scenario for your putrid imagination.

Imagine if you will, a pool of shit. It stinks so bad that it kills the birds and worms that dare to come near it. It takes a really resiliant and exceptional bastard to go near that pool of shit.

That pool of shit grows bigger and stinkier and meaner every day. It's like that fucking thing is alive and that shit hates you!

But you have to be the swimmer, the god-like creature, to not only go near that pool of shit, but to step into it!! And after you step into that pool of shit, you have to DIVE INTO IT. And when you dive, you go deep into that shit where it's dark and stinky and shitty. You WILL lose your soul, but at the bottom of that pool of shit is a plug.

It's a plug that, once pulled, will flush the shit out of the pool. This will cost you your sanity. You can swim back up, or you can pull the plug and die in this pool of shit.

Are you ready and willing to die?

If not, then stop pasting bullshit on Twitter, shut the fuck up and suffer like the rest of us.

Fuckery, Pussy Riot and Teen Control Tricks

There is all sorts of fuckery happening all around. The government of India is banning accounts on Twitter. Whereas the government of Sweden allows its citizens to tweet from the country's official twitter account without any repercussions of the bullshit that the citizens tweet there.  Which is cool. I guess. But here, the government just doesn't get twitter or social media, the kids can be manipulated so easily, but they choose to ban the accounts. Instead of looking at each other as enemies the government should look at people as friends.

When the government treats people like friends, it's much easier to fuck those people over. Because you can fuck your friends easily than you can fuck over your enemies. Let's take a hypothetical example.

What if I was in place of President Putin while Pussy Riot did their shit in the church by playing protest songs or insulting me. I'd do many of these things or maybe all. I'd tell Pussy Riot to go on an all over Russia tour where they will get to perform in all churches and they will be fully allowed to say all the shit they want against me. This will fuck them up as a band and as friends. Because touring breaks people as units. And once units are broken it's much easier to destroy them. Eg: less bands stay together more bands break up. You can look it up.

Anyway, I'd also tell Pussy Riot girls to be a part of the government and allow them to make reforms in the country as they please, but if they make the people unhappy, I'd have their heads on spears and on the walls of my bedroom. Being the young and hotblooded girls that they are they'll take the challenge and become part of the government and try to change the country and then, spears and heads.

There is always a way to control people, you just have to know what makes them tick. To control Indian youth, I'd employ a host of tricks and techniques. (The government is free to borrow these tricks, no need to say thanks.) My Four Point Strategy.

1. I'd make Internet free. Free as in a real free thing. Free Wi-Fi all over India. Like radio signals. This will keep the kids busy on facebook and shit.
2. I'd also lower the price of alcohol all over India, like lower than Goa. Kids would get drunk, get fat, die out.
3. I'd make prostitution legal in India. More they fuck, the less they'll think.
4. I'd also make foreign travel easier for the citizens, because fuck em all, none of them want to stay in this country.

And this is how I will rule.

Why Don't You Go And Fuck Yourself?

Even though it will be biologically impossible but still, you have to give yourself credit for the thought and any ability to actively achieve the action of fucking yourself.

It is beneficial for you.

You'll be lonely no more. And there will be something to do on sunday evenings when the friends don't pick your call and you're so sad and alone that you feel like killing yourself.

Don't. Suicide is bad. No one has benefited from being dead. So, instead of slitting your wrists in a bucket of warm water, you can just go and fuck yourself.

Realize that it's a wicked and fucked up world and everyone has their share of pain and no one bothers to give a fuck about your pain. It's as simple as that.

You do your shitty job. You eat your shitty food. You grow fat and lazy and then one day you die after all this pain in life? Worth living. I don't know and I don't give a fuck.

Just fuck yourself and be done with it.

The Sad Tale of Bittu

It's a sad story. There is death at the end. It began one sunny afternoon when I looked out of my bedroom window and saw Bittu outside. Just laying in the sun. Enjoying to the maximum.

But I didn't like Bittu at all.

Infact, I was scared and disgusted.

How could something so small and insignificant make me feel so strange. I thought fuck it.

I closed the door to the area outside the bedroom and vowed never to go there again till I saw Bittu vanished from there.

But that didn't happen. I kept seeing Bittu every now and then when I looked out of the window. I thought of ways in which I could help Bittu in getting the fuck out of that place, but it seemed nothing would work.

I left things as they were and continued my life without thinking about the space outside the bedroom. But, today I opened that door after many months and there was Bittu. All shriveled and dried up in the sun and definitely dead.

I still hate lizards and I will always do.

Throwing the Baby With the Bathwater

Image Unrelated

This is exactly what you should no do while writing a blog post. The headline has nothing to do with the content of this post but I wrote it because it's my blog and because I find it amusing. I have weird sense of humor. That's why I could never become a standup comedian. Also, because I never tried.

Anyway.

Today, we're going to talk about MISERY ADDICTION.

There are sad times in life. You can't control that. If you're a living, breathing human being, shit is going to happen to you. Now you can act or react or whatever the bullshit reaction you have to that shit. BUT, now the interesting thing which happens that you continue to cry over that shit long after it's over. For example, people who get their hearts broken, even when they're in a new relationship, many people continue to blame life n all that jazz over the one that got away.

This is called misery addiction.

The trap of what could've been.

The feeling that you've missed something better. That what you have in your life right now is somehow less and then you've to mop about what was.

And then...and then you see that when you bitch, cry and moan, people are sympathetic.

They are somehow, someway, giving attention to you. You feel empathy. And before you realize it, you're in this trap of misery. YOU ARE ADDICTED TO BEING MISERABLE BECAUSE OHHH FUCCCCCKKK THAT YUMMMY ATTENTION!!

Stop that.

No one cares. They're all laughing at you behind your back. You might think that people are giving attention and being sympathetic, but these are the same people who take a U-turn to look closer when they pass by an accident on the road.

These people are not your friends.

Get out the trap of misery.

Live life like your ass is on fire.

The Awkward Story

This is a real life story.

I had some friends over from another state and they like, totally spoke another language. I  had no idea what those 3 were talking among themselves, and I was tasked with treating them for lunch. So,  being a good host, i took them for lunch. I knew they were in the city to meet on of their  friends, but I had no knowledge about the said friend. Do you see where this is going? It gets weirder.

So we order, we're eating, and we're almost done eating when a couple walks in the place where we were eating. A cute girl and another guy. In my company, one of the guys looks the couple who just walked in, stares for maybe two seconds more than normal and resumes eating. He tells me after a few seconds that he wants to leave from that place.

But I was in total good host mode. I told him to sit the fuck down and eat some more because I didn't want to be called a bad host by elders who might think that I sent their kids half hungry and thirsty. So i ordered drinks for the 3, who kept talking in their language, which I had no problem with, because whatever they were discussing was their problem.

There was some electricity in their talk but being the gracious host, I ignored that electricity. After those buggers asked me two-three times more to leave, I allowed them and we all left. One of the guys looked slightly shaken but I thought it was the food. So I ignored it. Left them at the bus stand so they could take a bus back to their place.

Now, the story behind the scenes that I got to know some time later. One of the guys was in town to meet his girlfriend and after meeting her, they all met me for lunch. And while we were eating, the couple who walked in was his girlfriend with some other guy.

The girl dumped the guy who was eating with me by the evening of that day because she was simply caught cheating.

Shit happens, eh.

I Am Going To Win All The Golds Next Olympics.

I am going to participate in the next Olympics in sports such as: badminton, archery, boxing, wrestling and any other sport that catches my fancy. Basically, I will be India's super hope in the medals tally and I will get ALLLLL the golds that are there to get in the sports mentioned above. I will also make sure that I terrorize all other Indian sportsmen into performing more and beyond their capacities so that they also win gold. 

Because fuck it, I am done with seeing Indian athletes winning silvers and bronzes. This is high time we won some golds and it's up to assholes like me to do it. 

Win it for my country. Win all the golds so that all other countries can kiss my gold plated brown ass.

For the babes, bitches and brothers who won't work hard enough to win golds, I'll have to do it.

But Pallav, you say, who the fuck is going to allow you to take part in all those sports?

To which, I will reply, dear reader, who the fuck is going to stop me?

My plan is like this, I am going to...

No, wait. I am not telling you my plan. It's a fucking secret plan. For complete domination of the Olympics tally and have only India's name and by proxy MY NAME in the medal tally.

All golds. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Next Olympics, 2016. 

I'll be there.

If my mood allows.

But first, I have to post this blog.